A disable veteran's challenges with life's transitions

Sy's Weekly Column 

"In My Own Words"
©2012 Syneeda Penland

PART I

It hasn’t been easy you know, transitioning back to a normal civilian life, after spending 20 years of my adult life in the U.S. military.  Within a few months of graduating high school, soon after earning my right to vote, I found myself boarding a greyhound bus loaded up with over 50 or more, soon to be Seaman and Firemen Navy recruits. 

This was in September 1989.

Since that day, so many remarkable things, “sea adventures” has happened in my life, one day I might decide to write a romantic non-fiction series about it.  We’ll see.

When I first enlisted in the Navy, I was amongst the first wave of females the Navy used during one of many thousands of the U.S. military’s “test as pilots” for keeping up with the latest technology. Back then the military’s test pilot was to see how well women perform in a semi-arduous working environment. 

My first shipboard assignment was to a submarine tender, which provided maintenance support to submarines, pierside, it was homeport in Charleston S.C.  I was amongst a batch of the first enlisted females to “work, sleep and eat” in closed-confined environments with men. 

As the U.S. is downsizing its military forces there have been over 20,000 (and rising) complaints of military sexual assault and rape, which baffles me because, “Back in the day, men and women in the military (married or single) always consented to having sex with one another.  Believe it or not, that was one of the many “perks” of joining the military… Amongst the “spoils of war is “SEX, SEX and MORE SEX.” 

Last Friday, another federal lawsuit was filed against against the current Secretary of Defense, in my view, because of senior military commander’s failure to uphold the alleged victim’s constitutional rights, which is to guard and protect them from violation of “their human rights”.   

Remember the oath; “I am my brother’s and/or my sister’s keeper”

I can only imagine the true confessions of all the parties involved, “for allowing rape and assault to occur in our military, and deciding to turn a blind eye in investigating the victim's.  Yet, chose to “cover it up” for the sake of advancing their own military career.

Unlike these particular disabled veterans, my Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) didn’t stem from an unwelcomed sexual or physical assault.  And neither did I bear witness to another human being getting killed or was I ever physically raped.  

My assault was mental abuse and what most would consider as being "mentally raped". Furthermore, my immediate military superiors were ALL made aware of my deteriorating health status.  It’s all in my medical records and MY original IG complaints.

Their ongoing bullying persisted for several years; subsequently leading me to suffer from an incurable bone marrow disorder. 

PART II

On July 15, 2008 I nearly went into cardiac arrest at the Balboa medical center, San Diego. This was two weeks before Secretary Ray Maybus denied my injunction request to remain on active duty to be treated and monitored, evaluating my body’s response to the chemo-therapy treatment.

My blood platelet counts had risen to 1.2 million microliter, which is 3-4 times above what is considered to be the body’s healthy range.  That day, I spent over 9 hours in the ER and the following day I was prescribed a highly toxic chemotherapy – radiation treatment, to hinder the rapid growth of my platelet blood cells. 

With every medication we ingest into our bodies, we run the risk of potentially hazardous, if not fatal side effects.

During this time, I was only 8 months shy of earning my 20 year military retirement pension.  I never spoke about this side of my story, mainly due to the negative press minorities receive in the press, and a very personal reason.   

In January 2010, after my mother succumbed to a hemorrhagic stroke I vowed never to discuss my military story again.  Now that she’s able to remember details surrounding her illness, she recalls our countless conversations about me complaining about the stress I was under from dealing with my racist white bosses.

All my life, my mother or father never discussed their Native American heritage, and since learning about how my ancestors were enslaved and massacred, I realized why my small community always sheltered us from bigotry.   

Growing up rural northeast Georgia, my closest friends were descendants of parents who inherited “old southern money” and I dated a few of them. 

All throughout my career it wasn’t easy, learning how to walk the fine line of racial and gender divide.  The discrimination tension is just as alive today than it was when the Navy first began enlisting minorities. 

Speaking from personal experience, the mindset of the military senior officers or senior enlisted men is for minorities to still be subservient to them.  It doesn’t matter the race of the senior person, as long as the subordinate is a member of a minority class, they become easy prey.

My superiors didn’t seem to care that I have a family who depended on me or was in the window of a huge balloon payment coming due on my mortgage.  All they were concerned about was their promotions, or retiring and rolling into a very lucrative defense consulting contract, which pays over three times their normal retirement pension!

I’m sure their thoughts were: “Because we wrongfully convicted you on specious grounds of committing adultery, you will now be considered a convicted felon, so all your chances for re-employment into the federal government are now ruined.  We have also revoked your security clearance so you are no longer eligible for a federal government job which requires a security clearance. 

PART III

Since my discharge, and a year following my mom’s stroke, my father passed away last year and a few months ago my family lost one of my youngest relatives unexpectedly. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t ask God to wipe away my tears.

Each day is a reminder of my trauma, each time I twist off the cap to my chemo medication it’s a constant reminder of the abuse I endured throughout my entire military career.

I find peace and serenity in reading and writing poetry, mostly romantic or erotic.  

Unfortunately, after being scarred with the “Scarlett Letter” men think I’m easy prey so they lie, just to see what it’s like to have sex with  a convicted “adulterous”.  

What I find is that most of these men are serial adulterers, but have never been caught by their wives, convicted or fired from their jobs. 

Because I also perform my erotic poetry, just to get a free glimpse of my erotic side, they make their first introduction by trying to put me at ease, and began sharing intimate details about their sexually frustrated lives at home, and ongoing "baby" momma drama... 

Because I've never had any children and the military taught me how to take care of my body, I don't know what's it like to let my body get out of shape.  I find this to be one of the main reasons married me decide to cheat on their wives and the wife's constant "sexual withdrawl."

All throughout my life, I've always a kept romantic journal or diary about each one of my former lovers.  I talk about each of them throughout the pages of my poetry books, my first release is "Essence of Black Beauty".  

Within a few lines of this poem, is what I believe the men I've recently encountered are seeking to fulfill their most erotic fantasy.  

Until next time…

Peace, Love and Happiness